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J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin
J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin is the fifty-ninth installment of ''Epic Rap Battles of History'' and the first episode of Season 5. It features A Song of Ice and Fire author, George R. R. Martin, rapping against The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit author, J. R. R. Tolkien. It was released May 2nd, 2016. Cast Rappers Nice Peter as J. R. R. Tolkien EpicLLOYD as George R. R. Martin Cameos EpicLLOYD as Mikey Walsh Ceciley Jenkins as Daenerys Targaryen Ricky Mammone as Hodor Rudy Fermin as Jon Snow Joey Greer as a human warrior and an Orc Sulai Lopez and Shaun Lewin as High Elves Dante Cimadamore as Led Zeppelin The Eye of Sauron (animation) Lyrics [Note: George R. R. Martin is in light blue, J. R. R. Tolkien is in brown, and Jon Snow is in dark gray.] 'George R. R. Martin:' Brace yourself! Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves, And your Ents and your Orcs, and your Wargs and your Stings, Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring! My readers fall in love with every character I've written! Then I kill 'em! (Ahhh!) And they're like, "No, he didn't!" All your bad guys die and your good guys survive! We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five! Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies! (Yeah!) Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies! There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome! Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne! 'J. R. R. Tolkien:' Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves, Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords! You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack! You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq! In book sales, you've got nothing to say! I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey! I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par! You're a pirate! You even stole my "R. R."! (Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy, So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly, But news flash: the genre's called fantasy! It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee! 'George R. R. Martin:' I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats. I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast! You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants! We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch! 'J. R. R. Tolkien:' I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme! You LARPed your Santa Claus-ass through Vietnam! And it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes From a dude who sends a raven to say "hi" to his toes! 'George R. R. Martin:' Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke! My show's the hottest thing on HBO! I'm rock and roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish, And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy-foot fetish, dog! Even the names of your characters suck: You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks! I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks! Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts! 'J. R. R. Tolkien:' C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing How you and Jon Snow…both know nothing! Because the backstory of my box office is billions! Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions! And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been! Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin! You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Towering! (Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's Return of the King! Scrapped lyrics 'George R. R. Martin:' I was pushing boundaries and taking chances! You were daydreaming, squatting in the trenches! You should've made like Hodor: obeyed your orders! Spend less time on Mordor and more on the mortars! ---- Bilbo's a dildo; my imp's a pimp! ---- You're a bigger wooden stiff than Gandalf's staff! You gave us abstinence and Gary Gygax! ---- Fantasy movies need violence and boobies, Not folk songs and washed-up kids from The Goonies! 'J. R. R. Tolkien:' You're the biggest ripoff I've seen! You stole my plot lines, monsters, and even Sean Bean! Poll Trivia General *Frederick Douglass and Gordon Ramsay can be seen in the behind the scenes screen in the outro. *During George R. R. Martin's second verse, the computer he uses is playing the game Zork 1: The Great Underground Empire. **This is the sixth battle to feature a video game in the background, after Einstein vs Stephen Hawking, Doc Brown vs Doctor Who, Artists vs TMNT, Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters, and Deadpool vs Boba Fett. Production *Many of this battle's cameos were filmed on the same day as James Bond vs Austin Powers, according to EpicLLOYD in the main behind the scenes for that battle. *The cover art for this battle is the first one to have the rappers in front of the "VS", instead of behind it. References *During J. R. R. Tolkien's title card, the version of him closest to the camera is invisible for half of the sequence. Upon his sudden appearance, he can be seen taking a ring off his finger. This is a reference to the One Ring, the central plot element of The Lord of the Rings series, which has the power to endow the wearer with invisibility. Errors *Ceciley Jenkins' name is misspelled in the credits of the behind the scenes video as "Cecily Jenkins". *Jon Snow can be seen on his back in the background during the line, "Your bad guys die and your good guys survive!", but disappears during the line, "Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies!", before reappearing during the line, "Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!" *Multiple candle flames are seen bugging out in the Great Hall. Most noticeable during the line, "We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!", the left candle is unaffected, while both the middle and right flames have a rendering bug. Related videos J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin - Behind the Scenes of Epic Rap Battles of History J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin - Behind the Scenes of Epic Rap Battles of History pt. 2 Category:Character main pages Category:Epic Rap Battles of History Category:Season 5 Category:J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin Category:Nice Peter Category:EpicLLOYD Category:Dante Cimadamore Category:Ceciley Jenkins Category:Sulai Lopez Category:Shaun Lewin Category:Joey Greer Category:Ricky Mammone Category:Rudy Fermin